Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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