I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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