So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I think a kid would responsible me up
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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