sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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