I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
