so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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