And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We need to get me chipped asap
I am mentally ready for anal.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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