Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
