I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I want you more than these girls want KFC
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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