he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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