I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
she told me i tasted like america
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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