I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
