At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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