If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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