WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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