I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
