My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
