I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
