I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
