recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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