i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
