Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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