My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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