I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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