I could have mohawked her pubes.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
