whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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