just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
