plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize