I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
