I only kidnapped one of them. chill
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
