I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
