im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
