You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
