A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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