Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
