When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I can't turn off my feet"
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
