Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize