What did we do last night that was yellow?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
im six kinds of drunk right now
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
