Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
