Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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