My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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