I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
