so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
