the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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