you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
