the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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