he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I need to align my fucking chakras
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
