I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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