I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
