you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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