Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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