I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
