i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
