I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Randomize
