so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
