You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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