Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
