My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
