call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
