the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
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