Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
