Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
