Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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