and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
