Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
